The United Nations is set to outlaw vegetarianism in new environmental guidelines expected to be released in the next few weeks. The radical proposal is based on shocking new evidence that vegetarians are responsible to contributing to global warming.
"The evidence is incontrovertible," leading UN researcher Keith Wilson explained, "As most people are aware, the increase of Carbon Dioxide levels is largely responsible for the global warming effect, and by not eating meat vegetarians are responsible for raising these levels higher than they otherwise would be."
Animals convert oxygen into carbon dioxide whilst breathing and plants convert carbon dioxide back into oxygen through photosynthesis. In order to reduce carbon dioxide levels the proportion of animals to plants needs to be reduced.
"By not eating meat, vegetarians are ensuring that the proportion of animals to plants is being increased." Keith Wilson continued, "And the fact they eat more plants to compensate this only makes the situation even worse.
"In fact, its not just vegetarianism we are targeting. Nations with bans on hunting are going to be forced to withdraw their laws and we are revising driving guidelines that suggest you hit that fox if it runs in front of your car."
Vegetarians and Animal rights protesters across the globe have criticised the decision claiming that there are far more effective ways of reducing Carbon Dioxide levels, such as controlling emissions and the saving of the rain forest. However the United States representative dismissed the suggestion as ï¿½ludicrous and completely impracticable.ï¿½
If brought into effect the new laws will demand that each human being consume at least one animal a day until a reduction in Carbon Dioxide levels are reduced. Rural schools are also expected to see their traditional sports lessons of football replaced with deer hunting and 8 year olds will be encouraged to pull as many wings as possible off of helpless flies.
As for impoverished nations that are unable to provide one animal per day for food, there was an easy alternative:
"Cannibalism!" Keith Wilson explained, "Now I know traditionally itï¿½s a big no-no but think about it ï¿½ humans are responsible for the increases in carbon dioxide levels more than any other creature on earth. I expect if you ate one human that would save more carbon dioxide than eating twenty whales, or a herd of cows."
And yes, I know this is fake. But still!